Is it Addiction, a Mental Disorder, or both?

Today I still wonder where Alcoholism and Drug Addiction left off, and Mental Illness began. Experimentation with liquor and drugs started before I was even a teen. For me a sip of whiskey at four years old was normal while out fishing or camping. At that age I had no clue how that drink was going to change my life forever. I am diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder, and also ADHD, but I will honestly tell you I was an Addict first. Everything about my behavior and personality are addictive. So when did it become Mental Illness?

 I loved liquor and every kind of drug you can think of, I spent all my teenage years on probation, and by the time I was eighteen I had been convicted of my third DUI (driving under the influence) and was sentenced to two years probation, and paid an unbelievable amount in fines, and restitution. At that time I was told by psychologists, psychiatrists, and counselors of every type that I was an Alcoholic, and it was just a matter of staying clean and sober.

I struggled on through life with the title of Alcoholic, and finally in 1995 I was referred to a psychiatrist that actually took the time to go over my history, and what I was told were symptoms, and was diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder. At last I had diagnoses instead of just being a Drunk. This would not be my only diagnoses, but I felt like I had some hope of finding some help besides another group of drunks. Please don’t misunderstand me because of that statement. The groups that I was familiar with did help me find clean time, and I was a witness to those who were living the program and succeeding at sobriety. I just knew for myself that there was more to my problem than just staying sober. I had to find my roots so to speak and I thank God for that one psychiatrist that took the time to listen. 

I felt that my diagnoses of Bi-Polar disorder had opened a new door to another chance for recovery and I finally felt as if someone understood me and was willing to help. I had gone for so long trying to stay clean, and of course relapse after relapse I was really losing hope. I think that psychiatrist was an angel sent just at the right time because I had almost given up all hope. I had enough to get me where I was supposed to be, and a new source of hope had arrived. I can honestly say that if it weren’t for that doctor…..I may not have gotten this far. I had begun a new journey that would continually change for the rest of my life.

I do believe I have come to the understanding of insanity. Someone once told me that if I was doing the same things over and over, and expecting different results I was probably insane. I had to think about that for a while. I knew for sure that the statement he had made described my past with no doubt. My continuous attempts at staying clean were just as he said. I would relapse again and again, go back to groups, follow the same procedures, hell I could have quoted the book word for word and still the results were always the same. Time after time it only got worse never better. I knew there were other things I needed to do…..but what? I had to start asking myself some very simple questions. What were the things that brought on my episodes or events that made me lose control of my emotions? It was a question that I had to ask myself for not only the present, but for the past also. What were the issues that caused pain in my life, and how was the pain displayed in my behavior? How long did it take me to get over these issues, and how much of an extreme were they for me? Why did I feel so inferior to others? What made my behavior different from others? This is where the psychiatrist fit in. She knew exactly what questions I needed to find answers to. I would have never known what to look for if it wasn’t for her. So….if you can apply these questions to your self and are having difficulty with the results, please see someone. Whether it is your family doctor, a psychiatrist, or even a close friend to start with, just share these issues with someone. Please keep in mind that if you do choose to see a doctor or specialist and can’t afford it please refer to your local family services centers for assistance. The help is there if you want it.